How to Repair after Conflict

In my last post on non-violent communication for conflict resolution, I talked about how conflict in relationships is almost inevitable. It’s not about whether we will fight, but how we fight, and importantly– how we repair after a fight and come back together. Sometimes, arguments can be resolved and repaired with a simple apology– one that takes accountability for any harm done to the person you care for. It’s important that when you apologize you identify how you harmed someone, and how you will attempt to ensure that harm is not repeated. There are a couple other tools that can be helpful for repair if a simple apology doesn’t feel like quite enough.

Reflective Listening & Empathy 

Together, reflective listening and empathy can diffuse tense conflicts and provide opportunities for connection and tenderness. It’s so easy to get caught up in wanting to be right, or prove a point– but this process ensures both partners are heard and seen– which is often enough to bring us back together and soften us to each other.

Reflective listening is best done as a kind of structured exercise. When the conflict has passed and you are both ready to repair, you can take turns talking and repeating back to each other what you just heard. The magic in this is that the partner hearing the other is focused on truly listening, and not preparing their rebuttal. So, one partner shares their experience, and the other repeats back what they just heard. It is also helpful to add empathy after sharing the reflection. Empathy is about putting yourself in the shoes of another; of imagining how something that happened might have made them feel. Once one partner has shared, and the other has practiced reflective listening and empathy, the other can then share their part, and the process continues until both parties feel seen and resolved.

Rituals of Connection

There are other ways to connect and repair after conflict beyond listening and apologizing; sometimes connecting physically can allow us to feel close again. One way people do this is by rubbing bare bellies. This vulnerable, even silly act can create intimacy and connection through simple touch. You might also remind your partner of your care through verbal connection/affection such as, “I like you and I love you” or doing an act of service you know they would appreciate.