Utilizing Non-Violent Communication to Get Your Needs Met

Relationships are hard- most all of them. I’ve heard it said that it’s not that you’ll never fight with the “right” person; it’s that you find someone you might fight with, but won’t give up trying for. While conflict might be inevitable, there are ways you can decrease defensiveness and be direct in asking to get your needs met; non-violent communication is one way.

Let’s use a mundane, yet common argument that might occur– washing the dishes. 
An “unskillful” comment might be something like, “You never wash the dishes! Gosh, you’re such a slob” or, “Am I the only one around here who knows how to wash a dish?” both are passive aggressive and might cause your partner to respond with defensiveness or be hurt. 

Components of NVC (non-violent communication) 

There are three steps to follow. Tone is important. You might try softening or regulating before trying this; it’s important to be regulated when starting difficult conversations with partners. One quick and easy way to regulate is to do 5 minutes of parasympathetic breathwork/ breathing through your nose slowly, or getting some exercise or a good meal.

  1. “When you…” This needs to be a direct and objective observation. For example,
    “When you don’t wash the dishes within 24 hours…”

  2. “I feel..” This is your chance to make this about you and your feelings, and not something negative about them. It’s important not to tell a story about them or what you imagine is happening for them here- and just keep it to simple emotions like frustration, anger, sadness, or exhaustion (for this context.) For example, “I feel overwhelmed..”

  3. “Could you…” This is your opportunity to make a realistic request–this is really about your needs and what you wish would happen. For example, “Could you do them within two hours of cooking?” or… “Could you do them before we go to bed?”

All together, “When you don’t wash the dishes within 24 hours, I feel overwhelmed. Could you do them before we go to bed so the kitchen is clean in the morning, please?”

This allows your partner to hear how their actions or non-actions affect you, without defensiveness. The more you practice this structure, the easier it gets. Wishing you well on your journey to better communication!

Want to learn more about NVC? Check out their website here.

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